Well its here. JUne 16th, 2007 - the day i was looking foward to for over an year (thought about for years).Planning, preparing etc for Mexico. And where am I? Portland, Or. Seems surreal - wasnt sure how i was going ot react or feel when it finally came around. Still really not sure how I feel about it. I guess it helped a bit that I just got back from Amsterdam last night - distraction for at least the week.
I know no one else feels either way about it cause they arent dealing with it but its fucked up. This was a giant life changing experience I was supposed go through - and now im not. its not like a vacation to mexico was cancelled - it was marriage. Dont get me wrong - deep down im glad it didnt happen with her and its not her that i believe im hung up on - i think its the the whole idea of getting married, starting a family - growing up. I've always wanted that and to be that close with someone at the time you thought was the one - was pretty intense.
What does a guy do instead on the day he was supposed to began a new life? good question - i dont have any of my close friends in town which is really difficult. I have had some work friends tell me they'll take me out and have drinks tonight etc - but is that what I want? not really. i mean Ill probably be going out but its not like im gong tohave this deep conversation about life with a couple girls wanting to go the Dixie or something. People who really dont know me. But that's what I got.
So I think im going to bail out on my own for most of the day - dissappear for a while. Then come home - and tonight have about 15 superficial conversations all while all would of loved to do was have 1...
A wise young friend from college used to say - "better days, brighter rays, fuller sails, fatter rails...." couldn't agree more
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